Changes

It's almost 3 am here and I'm about to sleep till this thought came up across my mind.

I watched a video on youtube about anorexia girls in US that severely wanted to have a vivid change to her appearance and just ... be beautiful. Also some of them use tapeworms to do the diets. Lots of other stuffs they'd do to just change and fit in with the society and ... feel good about themselves.

Then another video about people with BDD Disorder (Body Driven Development). It is where their sanity is not working properly anymore and they have low self esteem. They would feel very ugly about themselves. And so in the edge to suicide, a hand to them was given. It is a choice for them to take the hand or just to leave it hanging. But once the hand is taken away, second chances are hard.

Somehow, these two problems seemed to trigger a memory about sometime yesterday. Yesterday, I didn't sleep at all thinking of a stupid problem that comes round and round. It's just endless. Until then probably at 5 am, we talked about it and created a win-win commitment with the other side. So wait, how does this relate back to changes?

Okay you see, after the commitment was decided and the day went really well. But then later, somewhere near the end of the day things started all over again. I was emotionally wrecked all over again. Sad all over again. Hurt all over again. And it seemed like the commitment made was just another random words said. Daily words without having any deep meaning and responsibilities towards it. One second I was severely mad but then, I realized... what for? Madness would only bring another endless arguments and another 'random' commitment. So instead, I let things go.

It is a hard thing to change. Fact.

But no matter how hard the change is, as long as there is an EFFORT and WILL to do it, you'll do it. And it will take some times.

But no matter how long it took the change to be vividly shown, as long as there is PATIENCE and MOTIVATION, you'll get along with time.

It is also our choice to whether take actions or not. To whether take commitments towards it or not. Once you've made your decision then hang on to it. Don't let people who loves you down. Don't let yourself down.

And now I am changing. Yes It will take time for me to change and let go of these emotions that kept ruining my mind and day. But I wont let them take control of me anymore. I wouldn't want someone to be happy and I'm sad over them, no more. I gotta face that sometimes, things are just like... THAT. No matter how hard you try to change them so things would be a win-win, it would always hurt one part. I loved you too much to hurt you so I let me hurt myself rather than I let me hurt you. So here I am... Trying to change to a better person by letting go things that wouldn't change. Or maybe, wouldn't want to change? haha that's another story. But yeah, from this point on, I would wake up and smile seeing that this is reality. This point on, I would wake up and smirk at reality.

But deep inside, as long as there is a reason, you'd change.

And want to know what my reason is?

Your happiness.